Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
