i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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