He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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