im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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