I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
