I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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