Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
