I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
