i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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