what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
