Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
