Someone shit on the floor
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I party with great urgency now.
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