Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
sex in a hospital.. check
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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