i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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