is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
