Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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