I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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