i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Vodka?
Forever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
