the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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