My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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