I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
