Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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