he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
