You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
