She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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