so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize
