Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
