dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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