The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Couch. On fire.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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