He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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