Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
