She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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