Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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