If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
