I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
