My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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