Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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