I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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