I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
