vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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