Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
