you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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