well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
