we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
