just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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