Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
