she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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