ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So here I am, sexting at work.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize