I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
