you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
