I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
