I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
