I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
