I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
