using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize