it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
