True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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