5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
