My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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